I told him he's going to be a Daddy

Wow, priceless. I am so glad I didn't tell him over the phone. The look on his face was so priceless, and seeing his eyes well up with tears means the world to me. I think the last time I saw that was our wedding day 4 years ago! He was so happy and sweet - he couldn't believe I was able to hold it in all day! I am so excited, but I also don't want to get my hopes up too much, since I know it's still very early, but it might be too late. I'm attached.

I'm PREGNANT!!!!

Oh my God, oh my god... I am still shaking... I went in for my beta this morning at 7 am thinking it was pointless and a ridiculous waste of my time, money and blood... and they already called me back and told me my beta is... 514!!!!!

I am 10dp5dt and have had absolutely NO symptoms whatsoever. Not a single cramp or soreness in my bbs at all... seriously... I was so prepared for it to be negative I was making an appointment for Day 3 blood tests with my ob/gyn for next week and already sent all my medical records to CCRM for the phone consultation.

I hope and pray this one sticks (last April I had a chemical pregnancy at 5w2d)... I still haven't told DH or anyone yet... I told him it was going to be negative...

WOW

6dp5dt... nothing

6dp5dt is the point where lots of IVF girls have so many cramps, twinges and other "symptoms", that they decide to take a HPT and get their first positive BFP. Unfortuntately, I don't have a single symptom to report... nothing... no cramps... nothing. DARNNIT!!!!

Well if anyone's interested, here's a picture of my embies...

Here is a picture of my first 2 embies (fresh IVF in April):

And then these are the 2 from FET#1 in June:

I had a cryfest last night with B and we talked about going to CCRM... the timing, the vacation, the costs, everything... it will be sooo difficult to coordinate... but he is so incredibly supportive and told me that we won't give up. I just wish we didn't have to go through this, and I really hope there is a healthy baby in our future.

3dp5dt... and made appt for another 2nd opinion

While I was home this week, hoping that my embryos were implanting... I decided to do some research. I always need to be thinking about Plan B... what will I do next month if this doesn't work. I've become a lot more realistic through this process, so I know the odds aren't in my favor. But it helps my heart from breaking too much by thinking ahead and having a plan.

But right now I don't feel confident in my next plan. I've moved forward every step of the way the past 2 years... from clomid, to clomid + injectables, to injectable IUIs, to IVF, to FETs. But now, I have no more frozen embryos, so my next step is unclear. To top it off, I am thinking about changing REs, so I might have to take a couple months off for more testing again. It's so hard to continue to have months and years pass by and I still don't know if/when there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

So, back to my research. From what I could find, CCRM in Colorado has the highest success rates in the country for IVF. From '03 - '06, their IVF cycles that resulted in live births ranged from 58-62% for women <35 yrs old. That is phenomenal! My clinic's success rate last year for <35 was 33%, and the other top clinic in this area was 38%. So, if I'm going to go through this again and spend another $20K, I feel like I should go to the best. But, then I will have to travel to Colorado, repeat tests out there, and then during the IVF cycle I'd have to spend 2 weeks out there! That would be really tough for work...

But I made an appt for a phone consult with the Director at CCRM, and the earliest appt they had is Oct. 7. So, that gives me a month to think about my options locally and I can always cancel it if I change my mind.

FET#2 yesterday

Sorry I didn't update yesterday, I was diligently relaxing and avoiding the computer (since the computer would tempt me to check on work stuff). Watching TV with 2 kitties on my lap is pretty nice on a Tuesday!

FET#2 went as well as could be hoped! I was scared that we were going to get there and none of my (3) remaining embryos survived the thaw. But when we got there (after 15 minute delay - don't they understand our bladders are full!?!?!), they told me they all survived!!!!

My RE did the transfer even though he is on paternity leave (his wife just had a baby on IVF#5), and he said my lining looked good. The embryologist said that 2 of the 3 (blasts) were "perfect" and 1 was not as good. (I have a picture - you can definitely tell the difference).

I did acupuncture before and after, and I am working from home today (and eating my pineapple with core) :-)

So, I have done everything I can do to make this work... yet I'm still not getting my hopes up... but oh, it would be soooooo nice if this worked.... please...

Beta is next Friday, Sept 5...

Not feeling hopeful

I am less than 48 hours from FET#2, and I am not feeling very hopeful at all. I just feel that there is not too much hope that these last embryos are going to be better than the others that have already failed. I find myself thinking about my next treatment options again, and about how many treatments it will take for me to be successful, and how much money it will cost, and how much of my life I have scheduled around this. It breaks my heart.

I am normally a total optimist, but I don't feel it this time. I told B the other night (in tears), and he told me that he knows it will happen one day. I wish I "knew" that - because I honestly don't know how I would deal if I find out I will never be a Mom. I just never imagined my life without kids. I know deep down what an amazing father B will be, and I just want to look into the eyes of my child and see the two of us, and become a happy family.

If/when we ever have a child, I will never take it for granted. Ever.

FET#2 is on!

Vacation was wonderful last week... a week at the beach with my family... swimming in the ocean and the pool, walking along the beach, flying kites, mini golfing, bowling, watching the Olympics, and spending QT with my husband and family. My nieces and nephew are at such wonderful ages (6, 4, 4) - they love playing and swimming and having fun. I wish I could stay on vacation... if only I was rich...

It was soooo hard to come back and go to work. But on Monday I had an appt to check my lining and Estrogen, and everything looked good! My lining was 10.2 and E2 was 2164 - which is so much better than for FET#1 (which was postponed because my lining wasn't think enough, but this time I am on a higher dosage of estrace) So, my FET will be next Tuesday. Now, I have to hope that my embryos survive the thaw and one (or two?) snuggle in for 9 months!

I had acupuncture this morning, which is so relaxing, and he actually recommended I try to exercise a little more to help improve my circulation.

Oh, and I've gained over 4 pounds in the past 5 weeks! I don't want to get my hopes up for fear of disappointment, but I would be so amazed and grateful if this worked...

Going on vacation!

I should be packing right now, but thought I'd play on the Internet first. We are going to the beach on vacation with my family starting tomorrow for a week, and I am sooooo excitee. Oh, and I also started estrace today!

My protocol this FET is to continue lupron and take estrace in escalating dosages - first 5 days, 1 mg 2x per day plus 2 at bedtime "downstairs", then I'll increase to 2 mg 2x per day and 2 at bedtime for 5 days, and then I'll increase to 2 mg 3x per day and 2 at bedtime. I would love to think that maybe this cycle will be it for us, but I am not feeling very optimistic.

I had acupuncture on Tuesday and I love it - he worked on me for almost an hour and a half - and did some new things on my sides. He said he was working on my kidneys to help my circulation. I left so relaxed I felt dizzy!!

Time to watch the finale of So You Think You Can Dance! and then finish packing and go to bed!!

Mom doesn't know...

OK, so I haven't really "come out" about my IF. What's hardest is that my Mom doesn't know.
For the first year or so, I really wanted to wait to tell her when we had some good news to share. I know that she and my mother-in-law will be SOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited - they will be over the moon. I have waited so long to be able to tell them, and I know that it will be such a wonderful moment that I will remember forever. If I tell either of them about what we're going through, I know they will worry about me and wish they could help. My Mom's heart will break every time I get bad news, and I don't want to do that to her.

Since she doesn't know, it's nice to talk to my Mom and act "normal". I'm afraid that if she knew, then she would want to talk about it a lot, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for the questions. But on the other hand, on some days when I get bad news it would be nice to talk to my mom and have her support me. Every time I think I might want to tell her, we approach a new cycle/treatment, and I get hopeful that maybe this time I'll get good news, so I don't tell her.

I just want good news to tell her, but I don't know how long I can wait until I will have to tell her what's going on.

Second Opinion with Clinic#3

After IVF#1 BFN and FET#1 BFN, I decided to seek out a second opinion at Clinic #3. I have a friend who had done IVF twice (successful both times) and she raved about her RE and how smart and kind he was. So, I made an appt and thought it would be worth it for peace of mind.

When I met Dr. D on Tuesday, he had already reviewed the 100+ pages of history I had sent him from my clinic. One of the first things he said was "Why does Dr. T think you have PCOS?" WHAT?? I don't know, I assume it was based on my tests! So, he doesn't think I have PCOS based on my blood tests and how (poorly) I responded to stims. He thinks I've been under a strong PCOS protocol which may not be the right treatment for me. He actually wants to check my FSH and AMH again (since I haven't been tested for over a year) because he is concerned about my ovarian reserve. He also said that he has seen very low pregnancy success rates for women who stim for IVF for more than 12 days (I did 14 1/2 days). He said extra long stim periods don't usually make good eggs/embryos. He also thought that my RE Dr. T had done some tests on me that were expensive and not very helpful.

I left with my head spinning. Was I under the wrong diagnosis and I don't have PCOS? Do I have an ovarian reserve issue and my egg quantity/quality is depleting? Are my 3 remaining embryos set up for failure because I stimmed so long for IVF? Which RE is really best for me and how do I choose? How much more time and money will I have to spend to get pregnant, or when will I give up trying?

I decided to stick with my RE for FET#2, but I decided to skip the additional testing that Dr. T wanted to do to try to check my lining for implantation (Yale/Kliman/EFT test). (Dr. D told me that most REs don't do that test anymore, and it doesn't provide much information that can change your course of treatment, but it costs a lot and takes a lot of time, so it's not worth it). So, I am going forward with FET#2, and if (hopefully not) it doesn't work, I will probably switch REs and go to Dr. D at Clinic #3 for a fresh start.

I did 3 weeks of BCPs, started lupron on July 24, and AF (aunt flow) started today. I am going to stay on lupron and start estrace on Aug 7 because I am going on vacation Aug 9 - 17. Lining check on Aug 18 and FET on Aug 26. We are going to put in all 3 remaining blasts if they all survive the thaw. I am scared to death of the idea of triplets, but both REs seemed comfortable with it since I have had no success thus far. B and I talked about the idea of SR (selective reduction), and he is totally OK with it, and I support the concept, but I know that it would be really hard for me to purposefully eliminate one. B told me that he doesn't think I could do it, he knows my heart is a mushball.

So, I'll continue acupuncture and try to stay positive and hopeful that one (or two) of my little embryos is strong and healthy and decides to stick.

Oh, and I've also been trying to gain weight for the past few weeks. Last year I gained 5 pounds to try to help, and now I'm trying for 5 more. My RE doesn't think my weight is a problem, but the nurse told me that it could potentially help if I gain some. I've been willing to try anything, so I'm doing it. But I hate it when my clothes feel tight! Oh, well.

IF journey to date...

I finally caved and decided to start a blog. I'd like to think that maybe this will help me to express myself so that I don't feel like I am holding things in anymore.

So, here it goes... my infertility (IF) journey (thus far)... this might be a long post.

After our 2nd wedding anniversary, my amazing husband "B" and I decided it was time to start a family, so I stopped birth control pills in June 2006. We honestly were so nervous because we thought we would get pregnant in the first few months, and it was scary to think that we were actually ready to have a family! I had been on BCPs for at least 12 years, and for some reason when I stopped my body didn't seem to know what it was supposed to do by itself. So I went for 60+ days without a period and my ob/gyn gave me a prescription for Provera to induce it. I then had one normal-length cycle, and then I had 90+ day cycle which had to be induced with Provera again. At that point my ob/gyn did some bloodwork on me, and B had to do a sperm analysis. Everything came back normal for both of us, so she put me on Clomid. The first month (50 mg) I didn't ovulate. The second month (100 mg) I did ovulate, and the third month (March 2007) I ovulated and got pregnant!! Wow, what a wonderful feeling. Everything changed as I started to think about how we would tell our families, would it be a boy or a girl (we thought it was a girl), when the baby would be due (12/12/07), and my future life as a Mom. B even took pictures of my belly so we could start tracking my "growth". About two weeks after my pregnancy test, I started spotting brown blood and I was so scared. A couple days later, I went for a blood test and my pregnancy HCG level was low (176). I went back a few days later, and my HCG had stayed at the same level and I was bleeding red. I knew it was over and I was truly heartbroken. I bled nonstop for about 4 weeks until my HCG got back down to 0.

I tried Clomid again for 3 more months, ovulated only 2 times, and then I decided to go to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I got a referral to Clinic #1, because my insurance covered diagnostic testing there. They did more blood tests on me and I had a HSG test which showed that my tubes were open. Then I did a Clomid + Injectable (menopur) cycle with Ovidrel trigger, and BFN (big fat negative). I did another cycle of Clomid + Menopur, another BFN, and then I decided I wanted to leave Clinic #1. They had terrible customer service and I was uncomfortable with continuing clomid cycles since I had done research that there were potential long-term health risks.

After getting recommendations (online!) I went to Clinic #2 - Dr. T. At this point it's November 2007. He told me that I have PCOS, and recommended I start Metformin 1500mg/day and also a baby aspirin daily. He actually recommended we jump straight to IVF for our best shot at pregnancy, but we weren't ready for that. So we did an injectable cycle with Follistim, trigger, and back to back IUIs. BFN. We tried the same thing again in January 2008 and BFN. I was tired of spending $3000 per month with nothing to show for it, so we decided to jump to IVF ($15K). I did the long lupron protocol, 28 days of BCPs, overlapping with lupron last 7 days, then added Follistim 2x per day. I actually was on 225 iu 2x per day (450 iu/day) for almost the whole cycle. I stimmed for 14 1/2 days (which is a very LONG time - most people are 8-12 days), and at my retrieval on April 23, I had 16 eggs retrieved. 11 were mature and fertilized, and we had a 5 day transfer on 4/28 of 2 blasts. 5 additional embryos made it to freeze. BFN. Dr. T indicated that he thought it was because we had overcooked my lining by having such a long stim period. In June we did a FET (frozen embryo transfer) of 2 more embryos and BFN. No reason why.

So that brings us pretty up-to-date. It's been over 2 years now, probably $35K with nothing to show for it, and I'm not willing to give up yet.