Friday, September 5, 2008

I told him he's going to be a Daddy

Wow, priceless. I am so glad I didn't tell him over the phone. The look on his face was so priceless, and seeing his eyes well up with tears means the world to me. I think the last time I saw that was our wedding day 4 years ago! He was so happy and sweet - he couldn't believe I was able to hold it in all day! I am so excited, but I also don't want to get my hopes up too much, since I know it's still very early, but it might be too late. I'm attached.


Oh my God, oh my god... I am still shaking... I went in for my beta this morning at 7 am thinking it was pointless and a ridiculous waste of my time, money and blood... and they already called me back and told me my beta is... 514!!!!!

I am 10dp5dt and have had absolutely NO symptoms whatsoever. Not a single cramp or soreness in my bbs at all... seriously... I was so prepared for it to be negative I was making an appointment for Day 3 blood tests with my ob/gyn for next week and already sent all my medical records to CCRM for the phone consultation.

I hope and pray this one sticks (last April I had a chemical pregnancy at 5w2d)... I still haven't told DH or anyone yet... I told him it was going to be negative...


Monday, September 1, 2008

6dp5dt... nothing

6dp5dt is the point where lots of IVF girls have so many cramps, twinges and other "symptoms", that they decide to take a HPT and get their first positive BFP. Unfortuntately, I don't have a single symptom to report... nothing... no cramps... nothing. DARNNIT!!!!
Well if anyone's interested, here's a picture of my embies...

Here is a picture of my first 2 embies (fresh IVF in April):

And then these are the 2 from FET#1 in June:

I had a cryfest last night with B and we talked about going to CCRM... the timing, the vacation, the costs, everything... it will be sooo difficult to coordinate... but he is so incredibly supportive and told me that we won't give up. I just wish we didn't have to go through this, and I really hope there is a healthy baby in our future.

Friday, August 29, 2008

3dp5dt... and made appt for another 2nd opinion

While I was home this week, hoping that my embryos were implanting... I decided to do some research. I always need to be thinking about Plan B... what will I do next month if this doesn't work. I've become a lot more realistic through this process, so I know the odds aren't in my favor. But it helps my heart from breaking too much by thinking ahead and having a plan.

But right now I don't feel confident in my next plan. I've moved forward every step of the way the past 2 years... from clomid, to clomid + injectables, to injectable IUIs, to IVF, to FETs. But now, I have no more frozen embryos, so my next step is unclear. To top it off, I am thinking about changing REs, so I might have to take a couple months off for more testing again. It's so hard to continue to have months and years pass by and I still don't know if/when there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

So, back to my research. From what I could find, CCRM in Colorado has the highest success rates in the country for IVF. From '03 - '06, their IVF cycles that resulted in live births ranged from 58-62% for women <35 yrs old. That is phenomenal! My clinic's success rate last year for <35 was 33%, and the other top clinic in this area was 38%. So, if I'm going to go through this again and spend another $20K, I feel like I should go to the best. But, then I will have to travel to Colorado, repeat tests out there, and then during the IVF cycle I'd have to spend 2 weeks out there! That would be really tough for work...

But I made an appt for a phone consult with the Director at CCRM, and the earliest appt they had is Oct. 7. So, that gives me a month to think about my options locally and I can always cancel it if I change my mind.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

FET#2 yesterday

Sorry I didn't update yesterday, I was diligently relaxing and avoiding the computer (since the computer would tempt me to check on work stuff). Watching TV with 2 kitties on my lap is pretty nice on a Tuesday!

FET#2 went as well as could be hoped! I was scared that we were going to get there and none of my (3) remaining embryos survived the thaw. But when we got there (after 15 minute delay - don't they understand our bladders are full!?!?!), they told me they all survived!!!!

My RE did the transfer even though he is on paternity leave (his wife just had a baby on IVF#5), and he said my lining looked good. The embryologist said that 2 of the 3 (blasts) were "perfect" and 1 was not as good. (I have a picture - you can definitely tell the difference).

I did acupuncture before and after, and I am working from home today (and eating my pineapple with core) :-)

So, I have done everything I can do to make this work... yet I'm still not getting my hopes up... but oh, it would be soooooo nice if this worked.... please...

Beta is next Friday, Sept 5...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Not feeling hopeful

I am less than 48 hours from FET#2, and I am not feeling very hopeful at all. I just feel that there is not too much hope that these last embryos are going to be better than the others that have already failed. I find myself thinking about my next treatment options again, and about how many treatments it will take for me to be successful, and how much money it will cost, and how much of my life I have scheduled around this. It breaks my heart.

I am normally a total optimist, but I don't feel it this time. I told B the other night (in tears), and he told me that he knows it will happen one day. I wish I "knew" that - because I honestly don't know how I would deal if I find out I will never be a Mom. I just never imagined my life without kids. I know deep down what an amazing father B will be, and I just want to look into the eyes of my child and see the two of us, and become a happy family.

If/when we ever have a child, I will never take it for granted. Ever.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

FET#2 is on!

Vacation was wonderful last week... a week at the beach with my family... swimming in the ocean and the pool, walking along the beach, flying kites, mini golfing, bowling, watching the Olympics, and spending QT with my husband and family. My nieces and nephew are at such wonderful ages (6, 4, 4) - they love playing and swimming and having fun. I wish I could stay on vacation... if only I was rich...

It was soooo hard to come back and go to work. But on Monday I had an appt to check my lining and Estrogen, and everything looked good! My lining was 10.2 and E2 was 2164 - which is so much better than for FET#1 (which was postponed because my lining wasn't think enough, but this time I am on a higher dosage of estrace) So, my FET will be next Tuesday. Now, I have to hope that my embryos survive the thaw and one (or two?) snuggle in for 9 months!

I had acupuncture this morning, which is so relaxing, and he actually recommended I try to exercise a little more to help improve my circulation.

Oh, and I've gained over 4 pounds in the past 5 weeks! I don't want to get my hopes up for fear of disappointment, but I would be so amazed and grateful if this worked...